


Amnesia

by Zephyros22



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Basically everyone from season 2 onwards is included, Multi, Mute Runner Five, Takes place end of Season 2, Tw for memory loss and panic attacks, spoilers for all of season 3, spoilers for end of season 2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-07 21:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4278294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zephyros22/pseuds/Zephyros22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your name is Runner Five" he tells you. The name is foreign, unfamiliar.<br/>"I'm Sam Yao, your radio operator." You feel as if you should know who this man is.</p><p>You don't understand why he is crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Agony

The first thing you remember is pain.

It fills every inch of your body, burning hot white pain coursing like fire in your veins. Your voice fills your head with a scream, even as the air around you remains static with silence. Artificial white lights glare down at you. It's too bright, too bright. You don't dare open your eyes. There's a ringing in your ears so loud you can't imagine there was ever any other sound. The air around you vibrates, and you can't tell if it is your body shaking or the air around you moving. Your eyes are hot with tears.

The pain is too much, it's unbearable. You try and move away from it, but another wave of skin scorching agony washed over you. You do make a sound this time, broken and barely audible. You can hardly breathe, your chest is tight and your throat seems swollen. Your hands try to grasp your neck, but the restraints on your wrists hinder your attempt. And you can only think of the pain. There is nothing else in the world except this horrible deep hurt inside your blood.

Beyond the ringing static you can hear voices. Figures move around the room quickly, panicked shouts resound in your thoughts. You can't make out words. A cool hand touches your arm and you whimper. Your skin boils under the hand. You feel the urge to beg for something, anything but this. It's too much and you aren't sure how much more you can take.

_"Help"_ you mouth, not even sure if the words sound from your lips. _"Please"_

You think that maybe your body will combust into smoke and flame when you feel a sharp prick in the inside of your elbow. You don't notice it until moments later when the fire in your blood burns to a dull ember and you gradually stop shaking. You can begin to make out the sounds of equipment around you. A heart rate monitor is slowly dropping an interval of beeps. Voices become more clear as the pain subsides.

_"Five?! Runner Five, can you hear me?"_

The lights don't seem as bright anymore. You wonder if you would be able to see. You're so tired. Your body aches and shivers. A deep soreness is trapped in your bones. You don't want to open your eyes, you want to give into the temptation of sleep, of darkness and lack of thought or pain. Despite this, you pry open your eyes, blinking once, twice before your eyes adjust to the room.

There's figures hovering over your bed. Three of them. Two are women, both fatigued and weary. The third is a boy- no he's older than that. He's crying. It is this one who speaks in a broken voice.

"Five, Five are you there?"

His voice sounds so distant, so far away. You don't understand his question. Five is a number, not a name, so why is he calling you that?

 

...What is your name?

You don't know him, you realize. You don't know any of these people. You don't know where you are, you don't know how you got there, you don't know your _name._

Panic overcomes you, you try and escape your restraints. The rooms around you blurs as you succumb to pure instinct to escape, get out, run as far away as you possibly can. You try to dislodge the hands that are holding you down on the cot beneath you. You can't breathe. The absence of air is a thought blocked by the pure adrenaline pumping through your veins. You are afraid, pain is replaced by fear. It overcomes anything else you could possibly think of. You are wildly afraid, and you cannot stop the sob that bubbles up your throat. It's too much, there's too much. 

And you are falling, falling. You can't stop your descent. Everything around you stills. There is no sound, no light or touch. 

It's dark.


	2. Grief

"Five...Five do you know who I am?"

Your thoughts are filled with mist. The thump of your heartbeat is a percussion against the the steady thrum of the hospital. You can't seem to rest your eyes in one place. They wander around the room from the man in the chair to the ceiling and the doorway and back to the man. Air seems forced into your lungs. Your exhales sound more like wheezing than soft escapes of breath. Everything around you settles with a deep ache. You are so tired. 

"Can you hear me, Five?"

You can. You can hear him, and you want to respond. Your mouth moves, you try to speak but only air escapes. There is no sound. You try again, and a small broken noise manages to make its way past your lips. You distantly wonder why you can't speak, but the thought is blocked by the dull ache and the empty noise around you.

You turn your head to look at him. He has small eyes and a pale complexion. Dark circles gather under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept for days. There is a small, weary smile on his lips. You watch vacantly as they move to form words.

"How are you feeling?"

_"Horrible"_ you want to reply. You try to at least mouth the words, but you can barely make the movement. You feel so, so weak. His brow furrows slightly and he leans forward in his chair. He is silent for at least a few more moments before he rubs his face with the back of his hand and sighs heavily. He folds his hands in front of him, his eyes locking with yours.

"Maxine is gone." He says at last. "We don't know what to do without her here."

Your eyes are dull. You watch him struggle to find words.

"Something...something happened, Five. We don't know what it was. Paula is here, thank goodness, and she's trying. But it's....it's hard for her Five." He swallows, you watch his adam's apple bob. "She gave you a tranquilizer for the pain, but there's not much else she can do."

You don't know who he's talking about. You don't know who he even is. Your mind swirls with empty thoughts.

He is quiet for a very long time. You turn your eyes back towards the ceiling. Everything hurts. You want to sleep. your vision is blurry, everything sounds distant and far away. Your eyes are fluttering shut when he speaks again.

"Five...do you remember what happened?"

The question doesn't register. It doesn't make any sense at all. What happened? Nothing. There was nothing, just darkness and pain. That is what scares you the most. Yet you direct your gaze towards him again. He is waiting expectantly for an answer. You blink once before weakly shaking your head. No.

He bites his bottom lip, and he glances briefly down at the floor before looking up again and looking you straight in the eyes.

"Do you know who I am?"

You feel like you should. There is a deep grief in his eyes. He is on the verge of tears. You want to reach out and touch him, grasp the hem of his sweatshirt. But he is waiting for an answer that you cannot give. 

Your blank gaze must be enough of an answer for him. He blinks once, twice before raising his hands to his head and tangling them in his dark hair. His shoulders slump and he all but collapses into himself. He seemed so sturdy before. You realize he was barely holding himself together. He sniffles a little, his shoulders shivering with a quiet sob. Again, you want to touch him. You want to hold your hands against his face and relish in the warmth from the gesture. You want to surround yourself with him and press close to him. The urge is unfamiliar and strange.

He whines a little, and the sound is almost childlike. He sobs once, just once, shrinking himself so his head is bent over his knees. You don't understand why he is so upset. You look back up at the ceiling. You want to go back to sleep. The desire to sink into darkness is overwhelming.

Yet his voice interrupts your thoughts once again. It is broken and hoarse. He makes a sound and swallows before trying to speak again.

"Your name is...we call you Runner Five." he tells you, breathing out a whoosh of air before continuing. "I'm Sam Yao...I'm your radio operator." the last few words are lost in a shuddering sob. His now unrestrained crying seems like the only sound in the world. His inhales are desperate gasps of air exhaled through a crying plea.

"Oh God, oh good God. Five." the words are a mantra he repeats even as you fall back into restless slumber.


	3. No Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know I've been slacking. I honestly don't have a valid excuse. \\_(ツ)_/¯  
> It looks like updates are going to be spontaneous. I am hoping to continue this, as I have the majority of the plot already blocked.  
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated.

You sleep for three more days.

You barely move for those three days except in cases of the restroom or the occasional vomiting spell. _____ Everything is very difficult to process. Your mind is hazy and feverish. It hurts to move, to walk. ____ Your dreams are filled with unfamiliar faces and voices. You wake in the middle of the night at one point to the smell of blood that is not your own.

The radio operator, Sam, visits often. He always looks very weary. You wonder if he gets enough sleep. He tries to hide his fatigue behind a tired smile. He has a pleasant voice, and soon you look forward to his visits. He talks about everything. The subject varies from candy and curly-wurlies to himself and to other 'runners'. You don't understand the majority of what he says, but sometimes a phrase or word will stick out to you. Yet when you try and recall why, there is nothing. Emptiness

He always calls you Five.

There are other visitors as well. Most often it is the doctor that comes to see you. Paula is her name. She has kind eyes and a soothing voice. Yet like Sam, she is tired. It is a different kind of fatigue. Instead of sleepless nights she gives the impression of deep heartache. You recall Sam saying something about a woman named 'Maxine'. She must have been important. You gain the impression that you knew her.

There are others as well, though less often. Other runners who claim they know you. You do not recognize them. They drop by briefly, never staying long. One of the girls, Jody, cries when she sees you. She breaks down into tears when she sees the IV drip and heart rate monitor. Huge, wracking sobs make her back shudder. She braces on the doorway and tries to compose herself. 

You wish so desperately to offer sympathy, to say some word of comfort. You wish to tell her there is no use for tears now, that you are tired of people weeping for you.

This is the day that you realize you do not have a voice.

The realization shatters you. The most important tool you could have had to communicate, gone. It is so unfair. And as Jody continues to sob, you feel tears of hot frustration run down your face. You want to scream in anger, but you can only breath out heavy, shuddering exhales.

Sam brings a pencil and pad next time he comes. He mentions something about the doctor and her observations. You barely hear him. The gift of the pencil and pad brings an excitement you have not felt before. Sam is happy to see your reaction, until you pass him the pad with a question scrawled in chicken-scratch letters.

_"Have I never been able to speak?"_

His face falls when he reads it. You feel your gut sink. It takes him a while to look back up. When he does, he issues the answer you had hoped against.

"Yes." 

The second realization is just as bad as the first. You were never able to speak. You never had a voice. You never did and you never will.

The room is still for a very long time. Sam hangs his head and stares at the floor. His expression resembles something similar to shame. You try desperately not to shed tears. Your throat closes up and for a brief moment you wish desperately that your tears had a sound to them. You want so deeply to make a sound, any sound.

You eventually motion to Sam to hand you back the notebook. The next words are written carefully, slowly so as to be as legible as possible. You hand it back to Sam again.

_"Tell me everything."_ it says.

It takes some time. Sam is there for hours. He starts from the beginning. The helicopter, arriving at Abel, the other runners, the attack on Abel and the resounding consequences. He talks about the other runners who have died. Names and places fly past you and you struggle to retain as much information as you can. After the first half hour you resort to keeping notes on the pad, writing down events and people and locations. 

You sometimes have to stop and swallow back a sob. You lived through this, you were a part of the story that unfolds before you, and yet you remember nothing. Nothing. Just a blank space where and answer is supposed to be. Yet you pay attention, you keep the names and places in your immediate thoughts. If you can't remember them happening, you can at least try and remember that at one point, they _did_ happen.

Two and a half hours in Sam stops. He trails off in the middle of a sentence, his voice gradually fading into the white noise of the room. You look up from the pad and watch him. He doesn't look at you. You can only see half of his face. There is an emotion in his eyes you cannot place. 

"We should stop here for the day." he says. His voice is rough, almost raw.

You watch him stand. He doesn't bother to stretch after sitting in the same place for so long. His eyes look empty when he looks at you. You are a little shocked at how much older he suddenly looks. You realize that this poor boy has seen too much already.

Still, he summons a weak smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. When he speaks, it with a soft, almost hollow voice.

"I'll ask Jody to bring you some dinner." 

He leaves without another word.

You watch as he vanishes beyond the door, and even after he has left. Eventually you bring your eyes back to the pad in your hands, skimming over the notes. Most of it is barely legible in the time you were writing it down. You stop on the last few words written on the page. It's a name.

Professor Van Ark.


	4. Determination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly just a set up for events later in the story, a filler chapter if you will. (Which is also why i spent so much time procrastinating on this)

A week after you have been discharged, you find yourself stopped on the quad by Janine de Luca. She looks worse for wear, dark curly hair hanging in a frazzled, loose ponytail on her neck. Her eyes have the tell-tale puffiness that comes with crying. If you doubt her at all due to that, it vanishes as soon as she speaks.

"I came to ask you to re-join the runners program, Five." her voice is a little choked, but she swallows whatever lump remains in her throat and lifts her head a little higher. Her words are brisk and authoritative. You are silently a little impressed by her resilience. 

"Since...the incident...we have managed to lose approximately sixty percent of our runners. With a majority of our residents beyond the walls, god knows where, we need our runners now more than ever." 

Janine's eyes blaze a little as she speaks. You briefly wonder if you had been mistaken in assuming she had been crying. She seems nothing like the type to allow herself to waste time grieving. Whatever she had been upset over, it must have been very important.

Yet her words ring in your thoughts. You feel a little dizzy at the prospect of being able to be of use, to _run_ to maybe, somehow, pay back the kindness these people have shown you.

You remain stiff and silent, weighing the idea in your mind. Janine takes your silence as hesitation.

She sucks in a deep breath, and you know her next words will be important. "We need you, runner Five." 

In the time you have known Janine, you haven't heard her say something so...sentimental. You are a little taken aback by her words. You meet her gaze slowly, and see that the emotion you thought could have been affection was instead a cold, icy determination. Her eyes seem to stare through you.

You have just enough mind to fumble for your word-pad before the moment is lost. You scribble a quick reply and hesitantly hand it to Janine.

_"Give me a little bit of time to think about it"_

Janine nods abruptly as if this is a satisfactory answer, handing the pad back to you. 

"I expect your answer in a days time." are her final words before she turns on her heel and comes back the way she came, leaving you alone.

It takes a few minutes to startle out of your reverie. Eventually, you force your feet to move. You meander over towards the clinic, where you know Paula should be on duty.

As expected, Paula is sitting by her desk as you near her office. What you do not expect, however, is her to be turned around and talking to someone you can't see.

You walk a little slower, catching words of the conversation. 

"I'm just...worried."

You come to a stop. That's Sam's voice, which is unusual. You haven't seen him in days. You consider that perhaps, he has been avoiding you. After almost a week of brief, forced interactions and sparse sightings, the thought doesn't seem so ridiculous. 

"Sam, you know it isn't up to you." Paula replies. "This is Five's decision."

You brace yourself against the wall, gently resting you hand behind you. You think you know what this is about.

"I know...I know Paula, I know." There is a long pause before Sam continues. "It's just...God, after what happened with Van Ark, how...how the hell am I supposed to keep Five safe?"

Paula sucks in a breath before her words come out in a tumble. "Sam, you know as well as I do Five knew the risks of being a runner then. They still chose to do their job. Runners risk their life everytime they go beyond the gates. Five is definitely not an exception. Without them, God knows where we would be right now."

"Paula, I-"

"Even now, Five knows the risk they would be taking. They know that they could die. And as much as I know you want to protect them, you can't stop them from doing what they think is right."

An uncomfortable silence hangs over the room for a few moments before Sam lets forth a shuddering breath.

"And am I just...supposed to accept that, then?" He asks. His voice is rough, you can tell he's upset. "That...that I could lose Five all over again and you're telling me there's nothing I can do?"

If Paula had an answer, she does not speak it.

You hear Sam walk across the room angrily, feet hitting the floor in a hard rhythm. You have just enough mind to push yourself off the wall as he walks out.

He stops when he sees you, of course. You can see the realization dawning on his face, just for a moment before he turns and darts away.

You remain where you are for a minute or two, staring at the floor. Eventually there's a sigh and Paula directs her voice at you.

"I know you're there, Five. You can come in."

You shuffle your way inside the office, where Paula directs you to a chair. Once you are seated, she removed her glasses and rubs her face. 

"I'm assuming you already talked to Janine." It's not a question so much as an observation. You nod. 

"He's worried." she supplies at last, and nods to the door in indication of Sam. "You...you don't remember what happened before you lost your memory, Five. Van Ark did some horrible, horrible things. When you finally came back...it was hard. I won't go into details, but you were in a bad place. I think Sam blames himself for that." She drums her fingers on the edge of the desk in thought. You watch her face as she stares past you in thought.

"I don't think he knows how strong you are, Five." she says at last. "If he thinks he can somehow save you by convincing you not to re-join the runners program, he's wrong."

You listen to her words, brow furrowed in thought. 

"Even if you don't remember anything before all this, I know some things remain the same. If you didn't keep that same determination, you wouldn't have survived Van Ark's treatments. I know that much."

You want desperately to believe her, to be this person everyone remembers. You want to be brave and strong and fearless..but you are afraid. You are scared of the things beyond the walls. 

And yet...

You stand from your seat. Paula looks up at you in surprise. You meet her eyes evenly. The pad in your pocket already has a scribbled message on it. You tear it from the book and place it gently on her desk before vanishing beyond the door of the office.

_"Thank you"_

You are scared, terrified really. But if running, if risking your life beyond the gates is a way you can perhaps re-pay the kindness of the people around you, you will do it. 

And perhaps, by doing that much, you can become this person you so desperately wish to be.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how long this is going to be or how I'm going to do this. We will see how this goes I suppose. Please leave a comment if you enjoy the chapter.


End file.
